


Lovin' you had consequences

by MyNameIsian



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asshole Dean, Biploar Disorder, Bipolar Castiel, Consequences by camila cabello, Depressed Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, Eating Disorder, F/F, F/M, Heartbreaking, Heartbroken Castiel, Highschool AU, I'm german don't judge me, I've taken this charcters bc I don't wanted our real names, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Songfic, Sorry for being so depressed, Suicidal Thoughts, The story is about me and my female crush, This story happend to me 4 real, Tried Suicide, alternative universe, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-12-30 01:18:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18305228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyNameIsian/pseuds/MyNameIsian
Summary: Dean's new in class. The 14-years old Castiel knows Dean from his childhood but what he will find out and what will happen to him, is something he did never expected...ENGLISH ISN'T MY FIRST LANGUAGE!!!HIGHSCHOOL-AU DESTIELBased on a true story, experienced and suffered by me





	1. Information

**Author's Note:**

> HEYYY THNK YOU FOR READING THIS BOOK!!   
> It would mean a lot to me, if you will comment and please say it, if my english isn't that good, I'll try my best :)

Dean's new in class. The 14-years old Castiel knows Dean from his childhood but what he will find out and what will happen to him, is something he did never expected...

ENGLISH ISN'T MY FIRST LANGUAGE!!!   
HIGHSCHOOL-AU DESTIEL   
Based on a true story, experienced and suffered by me.

TRIGGER WARNING!!! SELF HARM; DEPRESSION; BIPOLAR DISORDER; EATING DISORDER!!

The story of an bisexual, completly confused boy and an very very homosexual guy how they met, and one of them suffered. 

A story about Heartbreaking, Love sickness, cheating, betrayel. 

It's a true story, everything is the same accept for the names!!!

I only own the story, not the Characters!! 

Now I don't want to stop you anymore and you can start reading!! 

(31.3.2019)


	2. Dirty tissues, trust issues glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter one guys! I hope you'll like it :)  
> (What are ,Kudos'?)  
> You can follow my wattpad if u want to: @DreamingScreaming

Two years, then Castiel will have his graduation. The 14-Years old boy gripped the girders of his backpack and walked into the schoolhouse B, the second one from four houses. He opened the door and looked on the list. It's a list, which student had left the school and change to another or which students will be new in different classes. He knew that a friend of him left the class, thats why he thought the list wouldn't be that important to him, until he reads one name, he couldn't ever forget.  
Dean Winchester.  
He wanted to be friends with Dean, since he know him, but as a child, he didn't had the courage to talk to him, but he decided, that today will be the day. Because Dean isn't different from the other students, they're all the same. After the 6th grade, the roads from them passed, they went to different classes, but it seems like, they are together again.  
He sighed and went the stairs into his new classroom. He was always the first person. It was 7:12 am and school starts 8:00 am. He searched and found his perfect place on the window in the second line and sit down. He promised himself, that this schoolyear, everything will get better, because there are some things, he wish till today, they never happend. Just like his outing. He was getting ignored and bullied. But he just can pray, that this year, everything will went better. He went through very dark times, you just have to look on his Arm. Cheating, Sexual Abuse, Bullied, Eating Disorder, Self Harm, Cutting.  
He is feeling alone, but there is no reason, because one reason is the person who went into the classroom a few moments later. His best friend Gabriel.  
,,Hey Cas, let's hope this year will be your year'' he said and smiled at him. He was getting hugged by the blondhaired boy, who was a head taller than him. ,,Yeah lets hope'' Cas said and patted on Gabriel's back while the hug. ,,Did you have seen? Somebody new will come into our class'' he is sitting on his table and I sit ti him. ;;yeah I saw it. Dean Winchester. I know him since the 5th grade, but we were never close'' Castiel said and just looked on the wall. Silence. They talked abou a few things, we have done in the summer break. It was getting more and more people, coming into the room, until one person came in.  
Dean Winchester.  
He kinda looked helpless and Castiel first thought was ,,Damn is he hot and cutie''  
Dean was walking to a person, seems like he didn't notice Castiel. It seems like Dean wanted to ask the person, if he can sit next to her but before he coud, Castiel walked to him and said ,,Hey, wanna sit with me and Lucifer?''  
Lucifer.  
A very close friend to Castiel, since the 5th grade, as he thought ,,I am not alone, I'm just feeling lonely''  
,,Of course'' he said smiling and Castiel can't help, but smiling back. The teacher comes in and Castiel's first thought was ,,How the fucking hell she became a teacher?''  
Not for nothing, but she is talking like the teens were just 5 years old. He sighed, this will be totally annoying. They really had to write their names on paper and drawing their hobby on it. Castiel didn't have any Hobbies than Netflix. No sports, he is the most untalented person ever. He can't play any instrument.  
He was looking at Dean which was getting kinda... let's call it overwhelmed.  
,,When's your birthday?'' The only question that come into Castiel's head. he just wanted to talk with Dean, but fon't know how.  
But what he knows is,  
he ist TOTALLY different than everyone.  
There is something, he feels like he can trust him. He feels protected, but they didn't done anything yet.  
,,11th October'' he said. ,,Huh?'' he asked until Castiel noticed what he means, blushed and said ,,Oh haha my birthday is on the 1st May''  
Dean was smiling at him but than looking to the teacher. The rest of the day went very boring.  
But what he knows is, he can't do the same mistakes.  
He looked at his wirsts.  
Small scars covering his wrists.  
He can't fell in love with this boy.

A few days later, Castiel feels comftortable with Dean. For the first time, they did something after school and they went to Castiel.  
Dean didn't know until that one moment, that Castiel gay is.  
They went by the bus. 24 minutes through 7 towns. Totally silence between them, because Dean has both of his headphones in his ears. He is interested in the kind of music Dean listens to and he is listening to pop-music. The same kind Castiel likes, too. In the last days, they realized how many things they are interested the same.  
Castiel said to Dean, that they had to go out of the bus and they went 10 minutes and were talking about school.  
When they were at Castiel's home, Dean tells him, that he hated cats totally but love Castiel's cats and yes, Castiel has two cats.  
,,Do you have any Siblings?'' Dean asked and Castiel is shaking his head ,,No I'm a not wanted lonely child'' he laughs. Than they went into the kitchen and cooked some Spaghettis and ate them. Than Dean said, that they should go out and here they are, sitting on a treehouse and talking. ,,I didn't know if someone told you this, because it seems like everyone knows this, but I am gay''  
,,Oh really?haha I am bisexual. How did you find out?'' Dean asked and Castiel started talking about his story.  
,,I was in a realtionship with a girl when I was 13 years old, I broke up with her because I had a crush on someone from our class. A boy. I knew from time to time, that girls aren't really my area and the totally prof was one event'' his eyes were getting glassy and he starts to sob. ,,My stepmother abused me... sexaul abusing..'' he whispered ,,This were 1-2 years until it stops with no reason. I knew as a child, that I am not the happiest person, but I was getting very depressed. I stopped loving myself, I always thought ,I have to be enough for everyone' but I forgot myself completely. Many of our Classmates, the males thought I want something from them and were distracted to me. The rumors were spreeding and I wanted to tell everything my Dad about his wife, but I can't. My dad grew me up alone until I was 4 years old. I didn't knew my mother until today. My dad knows my Stepmother since I am 4 years old and she was something like my real mom, I thought, everything is perfect until the day she abused me. I started cutting myself. I haven't seen a light on the end of the tunnel. I feeled ugly. I showered 3 times a day, scrubbed my skin until it was bleeding. I cried very often. I couldn't handle it anymore...'' tears were coming from his eyes and slowly found their way through his cheeks. ,,I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't handle it anymore.Until the day from my first Suicide attempt. After that I found out, that you can't drown yourself just in the bathtub. I tteid it, when I was 13 years old. Every night he think about it. How my Stepmother raped him. How she put her hands in my pants,spanking my ass, tried to jerk me off. Everything...'' he looked at him, his eyes totally red and he whisperes ,I can't handle it anymore, I don't want to live anymore..'' ,,I tried to kill myself a second time, when I was 14, I hide under a towel and waited until I didn't get any air. I only had an blackout and woke up in the hospital. They didn't have done anything against it. I wanted to die.. That was the time, where I was very often in the hospital. I had many blackouts and my dad always thought, I just drink to less. But now we are here'' he whsipers and thought ,,Me dumbly falling in love with Dean''


	3. Lonely pillows in a strangers bed, little voices in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this, this means a lot to me :)  
> I just wanted to let you know, that you are always enough and if you want to talk; just write me on wattpad: @DreamingScreaming  
> It's difficult for me to write in a male version, because I am a girl and that shit with the Stepmother happend with me and my stepfather so it's a bit difficult but I'm trying my best :)

There are moments in my life, which I should have appreciated.  
For example our Text masseges which went from ,I like you' to ,I love you' (In germany it's called ,Ich hab dich lieb' and ;ich liebe dich' but in English it sounds awkward to write I like you, I just wanted to let you know, that ,Ich hab dich lieb' has the same translation to ,I love you' like ;Ich liebe dich') 

But that you didn't mean it serious, was something you did never had told me.  
It was December, we had to do a one week workpractice and Dean and I were the closest friends, someone could ever know.  
There were moments, he was taking my hand and smiled at me while he said, that he loves me.  
Until the day we had a big fight.  
The last day of my workpractice, I just did the desicion I wanted to work in the hospital.  
I was sitting in the bus, while watching at my phone and reading Deans new test massege  
,,Hey how was your day? Write if you can! I love you :3''  
I smiled and relpied to his massege.  
Today I'll make an sleepover with my best friend, who is living 3 houses away from me.  
We ate very much and watched a few movies and everything went good, until one messege came. 

Dean:  
,,Cas, I don't know if we can continue writing like this'' 

Cas:  
,,I have to tell you something'' 

Dean:  
,,Yeah? what is it?'' 

Heart beating,. Very fast. 

Cas:  
,,I do really love you'' 

...  
...  
...

Dean:  
,,Really?''

cas:  
;;yes''

Dean:  
,,I love you too, but let me think about it okay?'' 

I shouldn't have told him this because the next day, everything escelated.  
if I had known, how many consequemces this will have in the future, I would NEVER have told him this. 

I woke up with the sound of my phone. 

,,I can'rt do it''

We were writting much and I was very sad. Cried much again.  
But monday I faced something very very hurting.  
He was ignoring me.  
I always tried to talk to him, but he ignored me.  
In the break I went outside and tought about everything.  
What have I done wrong?  
This goes one week until I decided to stop this.  
It didn't happend an hour, without thinking how I can kill myself.  
I gave myself the fault, that he is ignoring me.  
It was my fault.  
I hurted him:  
I hurt everyone.  
I have to end this.  
But before I could end everything, the mext monday he hugged me thight and was apologizing very often and whispered, that his father wnted this.  
He knows everything from me.  
That I'm gay.  
That I'm cutting myself.  
That I tried to kill myself.  
That I love him.


	4. Secret keeping, stop the bleeding Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating

Exactly why we did fight again, can't I remember.   
But what I only know was, that it was on the last day on school, before our break.   
This dosen't stopped me from giving him an present.   
It was a little glas, with many piece of papers in it on which are insiders from us and he was thankfull for that.   
While Chrsitmas break it was lets call it... kitschy.   
It was no messege left without any heart and on New Years eve 0:00 o'clock we wrote ;i love you'. I thought 2018 will be better. Mot so much fighting anymore. More love. Maybe a relationship? Getting happy. Happy with my life and straing loving myself. Stop cutting myself. But there was a mistake. I thought. Thinking does not mean that it is implemented in this way. Our school organizes a winter sports day every year. As the name implies, you choose one of the predefined species and you do that on the day. Why Dean and I chose to hike we do not know exactly. But anyway, he told me something there.He was in a relationship. With a girl. A stab in the heart, once he confessed to me his love a month ago. I got that back. Heart pain. Of course I just smiled and wished good luck while I could already feel my next relapse. Well thank god the relationship lasted only 1 week. That did not change the fact that he had lied to me. My arms had significantly increased cuts again.My thoughts had again increased significantly in suicide plans. My life had increased in sadness again. Every day, I wondered which species would be the fastest. A short pain and then it would all be over. As if you were vaccinated. Very short pain and then it is gone. All pain is gone then. And thus came my third suicide attempt. Smother again. I took a book under the covers. Then it is not so suspicious. I let the heavy blanket fall on me. First I could breathe normally. After a few seconds, felt like minutes, it closed my breath. A sting in the lungs.I wanted to scream, but then I would notice. Slowly, I had to struggle with my consciousness. The last thing I noticed was my mother who came into the room. The first thing I heard was the paramedic.,,Hello? Mr. Novak? " Ah fuck ... I live ... Fumbled and still dazed by the unconsciousness, I looked at him confused "Can you hear me?" As he lit my eyes with a flashlight, it felt like he was sticking matches between my eyelids. I slowly saw him come completely to me. "Yes .." I mumbled to his question "You are almost suffocated Mr. Novak" "Tell me ... Ca .. Castiel ..." I mumbled softly and slowly looked around, still feeling that my eyes would soon burn. I looked at the rescuer, who pulled me out of the ambulance with the couch. We are already in the hospital?  
Blood was taken from me in an examination room and the ECG measured. Nothing. How then? ,, Do you have fears? Stress?" No I did not. I just fell asleep reading under the blanket leaving me alone. ,,No, everything is OK" "Your arms looked different" ,,It's nothing bad" In the end, I was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. I never told anyone. Anyone. Not even Dean knew it. My parents said that I would feel so good and all that. I'm not doing good. But they do not know how it is. To be in my skin. The same night I went home again and I got a school exemption the next day. I survived. I can puke.


	5. All the souls that I can't listen to, to tell the truth

"Suddenly, the throat gets thick. You start to cry and shake, everything is shit and you just want to die because of thoughts, you can kill one "- Luca  
I came to school one day after my sick leave. I puked. Was my excuse. Who was interested in killing me, let alone being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? Who cares if I can answer the question simply with a 'good' question? Who cared if I died or not? After all, it was not worth living. I stayed relatively calm throughout the day. Said only the most necessary.  
Why should I talk? I'm fine. But that was not it. I do not feel good. I just want to go to bed and die while I'm in math class. Even the only lesson that encouraged me and yes math.  
I liked math, it was my favorite subject because in everything else I was too incapable. How to live for example. Dean and I did not have too much to report today. Did I ever say that we will be skipped? Even from the boys. Destiel. That's what they call us. I did not care, I liked it inside but Dean made it so that we had to fight again. He ignored me again. I was done, completely. He was everything to me and we had many quarrels. Every quarrel broke my heart even more. They said, "Follow your heart," but if your heart is in a thousand parts, which part should I follow? Again and again it is accused me. I love you. I do not love you. Apologize! It is your fault! Again and again I came crawling, although I never started the fight. But I never realized that.I shoved everything on myself. Everything on me. I made myself down, ashamed of what I was. Shame on what I am today. And every fucking time, after he hurt me, I hurt myself. My arms were already far from healthy. I wanted to die. I had to die. I only hurt others.


	6. Loving you was young, wild, and free Loving you was cool,hot, and sweet

In March I started to write something like a diary. Dean support me with this. We also worked together little win. Sometimes we drew something in or wrote a text together. I also had more to do with my other parallel friends, especially with Michael and Lucifer. Lucifer was Michael's little brother and two classes among us. Despite that, we did a lot and always had fun. They were the only ones who stayed with me until the end. Were there for me. always. Sure there is still a friend of mine but he goes to another school and is also usually there when I'm with Michael and Lucifer. I often stayed with them and watched movies like the Maze Runner Trilogy or any Marvel movies that I did not really care about. Most of the time, we always drew together. Michael can draw very well. Damn good. No wonder, he also wants to be an art teacher and Lucifer spoke from time to time of astronomy. On the contrary, I stayed with a nurse. We drew and I had to think of Dean again. I did not want to argue with him, I have to apologize ... Many times people have said to me that he is not good for me and with people I meant Michael, Lucifer and the other one who is always there, who is called Balthasar. ,,You can't love someone unless you love yourself first" Bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you, oh my god I loved you so much. That I forgot how hating myself felt like. Well, mostly this is true. But it was so illogical. You can love if you hate yourself, right?


	7. Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound A steady place to let down my defenses

It was my birthday.  
The 1st of May.  
Actually, I would have done something with Dean, after all, the next day was free and we wanted to go for a drink.  
But first he wanted to do something with people he did not really have anything to do with  
And 2. my stepmother then decided that we go to her girlfriend in Cologne. We were in Cologne in the city and were there eat. On the evening of April 30, we sat in the living room and watched some movies on Netflix.  
Again and again I received funny news from Dean.  
Visibly, he was drunk.  
Eyyyhhh duuu what are you doing soooo?  
I was annoyed.  
'I sit around watching movies'  
A voice message followed.  
"Yeah, me and the boys are sitting here drinking so nice haha"  
Someone else in the background:  
"Haha Dean made out with a girl"  
Ouch.  
So much for he loved me.  
"Okay" was just written by mor  
"What okay old age ?!"  
And so it started again, but I put my phone away. No. That could not escalate now. At 0:00, I received a few congratulations and gifts.  
I got 2 games for the Xbox one and a Supreme sweater.  
In the evening I lay down in bed in the guest room and looked at my cell phone.  
A voice message from Dean.  
"EY ALL HONEST ?! It's always about you! You always want this compassionate rail when we have quarrels and want me to get started even though you always make mistakes! You are a mistake! No wonder you were unplanned, because nobody wants something like you! "  
In the background somebody spoke, "Hey, you're sorry, Dean"  
And he meant again  
,,Shut up!"  
I was overcome by tears.  
How could he do this to me?  
Why?  
I got hate against myself.  
I hated myself.  
So much.  
That one sentence buzzed around in me.  
No wonder you planned something, no one wants something like you.  
But...  
You always said that you wanted me ...  
that we would be best friends ...  
that you loved me ...


	8. Lovin you had consequences

I would have liked to say he had not hurt me since

but that would be a lie.

As if every, I love you'was coming out of it.

Every day I broke into the pain, but never realized that it was him who made me so ready

not my past that supposedly caught up with me.

I had talked him nicely myself,

was blind with love.

Others told me that what he did to me did not even merit friendship with me, but how am I supposed to break off contact with someone I love most?

My thoughts got over me,

the conscience of not being good enough for him.

not pretty enough

not thin enough.

That was when I started eating less or nothing.

I was ashamed to be the person I was.

I was ashamed of my body,

for my character,

for the life I led,

for the life that I still lived.

We had to help graduate students prepare for graduation.

Dean and I were scheduled later, but as always earlier.

Despite the fact that it was early summer and just 19:35 clock, the sun went down behind the mountain and Dean and I looked at us, sat in the large meadow and talked.

There have been situations like these between us and I would lie, I would say I like to remember

because now I hate those moments

would like to hate the person he is,

but he was still too important to me.

I loved him too much.

Emotions do not come and go, they are so damn more than just an effect.

They were so much more ...

So damn much more ...

They destroyed me, devoured me from the inside.

I feel nothing, but the main thing to pretend outwardly as if everything was fine, then it fits.

I've always told myself how fat I am and that there was nothing nice about me.

But I just did not understand the nice things about me, because I was convinced that there were none.

Never said anything, was always a friend.  
Had others like  
I missed only myself.

Everyone said I should fight the pain, but nobody says how.

Nobody says how to deal with the feelings.

I was too kindhearted, they said.

That's right, I forgave Dean too often and too fast.

The only pain I could associate was liberating for me.

The cuts in my skin.

It was summer, it was my hip.

It was winter, it was everywhere.

I hate both seasons.

So hot and so cold.

I felt bad, then I never admitted it.  
And when someone asked, I said, "I'm fine"

I saw this half full, but always half empty at the same time.

I have seen the positive in others while being totally depressed by the acts they used to hurt me.

And especially Dean.


	9. Hesitation, awkward conversation, running on low expectations

It is a summer vacation and I was finally able to distract myself again.

I spent most of my time with my family, but for the first 2 weeks I had an internship.

As I was used to, of course, when I was too lucky, I had a fight with Dean again.

Very big.

Because he had a girlfriend now.

The stinging in the chest, it was indescribably painful, not crying immediately collapse.

Not losing control of my psyche again.

Not losing control of my body.

Do not immediately look for the next sharp object and cut the veins.

We had a big fight.

It was because he thought days before that he would love me and is now in a relationship.

And he even became jealous of my friendships.

I really thought nothing could hurt me more than the fact that he apparently loved me and now has a girlfriend.

I did not know what to do next.  
I could not scratch, it was summer, that is too obvious.

And that's where it started ..

Since then, I have never stopped biting my mouth out of rage, grief, depression, aggression, nervousness, and anything else.

As stupid as it sounds, my whole mouth is sore (usually open) and scarred.

Often my mouth was swollen, but I did not mind.

Why? Nothing was nice to me, why should not I stop making myself ugly?

Why should not I stop hurting myself?

Why should not I stop living?

Had I known how much this relationship between him and this girl would destroy our friendship on all levels, I would have long distanced myself.

Had I known how much I wanted to kill myself.

Had I known that I tried again to kill myself.

I did not know what to do, I thought it would be okay, as it is, thought we could do it.

But if I had known that was not the case, I would not have gone that far.

Put together, the girlfriend is totally the asshole and he had let in too much for her.

he did not see how much I suffered.

Under that he loved her and not me.

Under the fact that these thoughts make me ready every day again.

That I just wanted to die.

That I had scratched again.

Who was really interested?

I'm just me.

To enumerate what was going on would give all of that here, so I'll keep it short.

He used me to make her jealous

to get information out.

Said again and again, he would not know who he loves, me or her.

He only loved her.

Her alone.

I was not worth anything to him.

Was just an object.

As always.


	10. Every siren that I was ignoring I'm payin' for it

10th class.

I was so naïve seriously and thought that everything would get better.

We argued again and again until I decide to draw a line.

The power to have something to do with him had completely separated me.

I started everything that I never wanted to do.

I was still scratching myself, smoking, drinking too much alcohol and smoking.

Because I came so far astray.

Because I was blind to love.

I did not want to, I kept crying every night and could not keep an eye out, so I decided to end the friendship with him, which did not even seem to hurt him.

His girlfriend was important.

The one who fooled him from start to finish.

It was about February 2019, when he came crawling.

They had broken up.

She had cheated on him.

And then the time began, where he always howled after her, but at the same time said that he would love me.

I did not understand him.  
You can not love two people at the same time.  
If he loved me at all.  
I did not care about everyone except him.

If he did not like something about me, I changed that.  
Like my weight.  
I admit, I'm not the biggest and the thinnest, but with 1.68 m 76 kg to weigh was actually normal or?  
For me it was always like this until it bothered Dean and I tried everything against it.  
Did not eat for days.  
Did sports.  
Nourishes me healthy.  
But I did not decrease, but to.  
I neglected the school again.  
I had to lose weight.  
Had to become thinner.


End file.
